I FEEL in this Moment!

In 12 hours I will finally know. How do I feel in this moment? Alive! I have not judged any feelings as good or bad. Today I have had knots in my stomach and a heart pounding with excitement. I have felt terrified about how I would feel the moment after and have jammed to tunes on my Ipod- Donna’s “I will Survive”, Frank’s “My Way” and MJ’s “Man in the Mirror”. I felt “on” with inspiration when coaching a friend of mine next to her two Labs.

So tomorrow, if my name is mentioned, I will be so happy I will feel like weeping. I will be so nervous I will feel like vomiting. This is living- The good, the bad and the ugly. I feel it all and it is all good. This is what I have desired more than anything- to feel alive before there was proof that I am. To believe before seeing, to enjoy longing for longing’s sake. For the first time in my life I feel…I feel…proud of myself.

Opening Night

Opening Night is just two days away. When I was an actor, I dreaded as well as looked forward to opening night. I dreaded it because rarely did we seem ready a few days before the curtains went up. There seemed to be no such thing as a smooth dress rehearsal and there was the fear that the show would be an unmitigated disaster. Yet, there was an appointed date and time for the start of the first show. We could not postpone opening night. Patrons had bought their tickets and eagerly expected us to show up. Having taken their assigned seats, it was time for us to fully feel on demand. We had to entertain, thrill and earn our applause. What were we to think when two days before the first line was delivered in front of an audience, the lights malfunctioned, the music was mis-cued, the dresses did not all fit, the rhythm and pace was all off and lines we still being adlibbed?

I looked forward to it because time and time again, a miracle would occur. Dionysus, the god of the theatre would shine down on us at just the right time and everything would fall into place. Just when it seemed like there was no hope for a stellar opening night, inspiration makes its grand entrance. The visitation brought instant exhilaration and joy to performers and observers alike.

So in just two days, the curtains will rise and 271 authors will sit in their seats to watch 25 get up and take the stage. The 271 have been rehearsing this moment for weeks. I am one of them. Today, I feel like I have had a horrid dress rehearsal. I am afraid of not being chosen to get up and take the stage. The actor’s nightmare is well-known. The actor get’s up to start a monologue in front of the audience only to go blank, forgetting what his next line is and realizes that he is naked. Can I stand naked after the 25 are announced? If I am one of the chosen few, will I fully step into the moment, and know what to say next to my fans, to the creators of the competition, to my family? If I am not one of them, can I show up naked and exposed with my true feelings revealed to those that care? Or will I start spinning as fast as I possibly can to save face, amidst feelings of failure?

I have never experienced a disastrous opening night and I am not about to start now. All I can do is wait and trust that the old Muse of Fire, Dionysus, of which Dennis is derived, will make his appearance perfectly on cue.

“O for a Muse of fire, that would ascend
The brightest heaven of invention,
A kingdom for a stage, princes to act
And monarchs to behold the swelling scene!”
-Start of the Prologue to Henry V

The Peace of God

Is the tide turning away from fear or towards it? There is a wonderful line at the beginning of A Course in Miracles: “Nothing real can be threatened.” What this tells me is that the converse is also true. Anything that is threatened is not real. So when we look at our lives, my personal life for example- I see that I only have about one month left before my savings are depleted. There is not enough money coming in to pay the mortgage, the credit card debt or the babysitter. If I sit with this reality long enough then the fear becomes bone-chilling and incapacitating. And yet, I see this time as a great test of trust. CNN is telling me we are at the precipice of a double-dip recession. Scientist are warning that the level of methane gas in the Gulf is so high that if there was a seismic gas explosion, it would lead to a tsunami that could inundate the gulf states killing 40 million and sending this great country into an economic collapse. The fear I write about is affecting everyone even if it is not consciously felt. We are protecting ourselves every second of the day. We feel irritated by the slightest annoyance, we distract ourselves from feeling the death of marine life, we ignore the signs that tell us now is the time to ask, “how can I help” and we instead recoil, retreat and re-double our efforts at a busy life.

What if we took this time as an opportunity to ask a different set of questions? What if I opened up to the part of me that is afraid and uncertain? What if I acted in spite of my fear? What if I believed that I am not my body and that Mother Earth knows how to get back into balance? How can I help her? I am writing this for many reasons. They are the thoughts that I am having on the eve of Independence Day. When a group of ill-equipped men and women risked everything to act in spite of fear. I am also writing this to show you that if I win the competition, there was a time, not in the distant past where I, like you felt afraid. I just decided to ask different questions.

"Nothing real can be threatened.
Nothing unreal exists.
Herein lies the peace of God."- A Course in Miracles

Uncertainty

I can’t help but wonder, what is my true purpose? The decision was made to postpone the announcement of who will advance in the competition until after the 4th of July holiday. The announcement will be made on July 6th at 9am PST. A dramatic conference call is the medium of choice. 271 authors will cram a crowded conference line to hear the names of the chosen 25. Is this really what I am here to do? Go public with my message or am I of more help sitting alone in a dark room praying for the healing of souls? At this moment, I honestly do not know and so am open to serving in either capacity. God knows how I am most useful. My life has had purpose all along and it will continue to do so. The trick is can I live as if I know this and enjoy the process. I have lots of questions today. These are uncertain times. I still believe that an open heart is the anti-dote to a fearful existence. So I am allowing myself to feel the ambiguity of it all without judging it as good or bad. Next week will reveal a whole new set of feelings. My purpose is clear: to feel fully whatever comes my way without judgment and experience the inherent joy of un-resisted emotions. There is no pain in a feeling that is experienced with compassion.

The Coming Shift

A shift is coming. It is both internal and external. It is affecting every living thing and at its core, is the awakening of the heart. Before the heart can open, fear must be confronted. It is not just the fear of the populace who vibrate at a lower frequency, but the collective fear of the planet. This fear does not discriminate between the masses and the light workers who have been on the conscious path. Those of us who see ourselves as having learned a thing or two about the spiritual journey but have never been fully tested with an unimaginable and existential challenge. Spiritual leaders are congregating all over the world to address the crisis in the gulf. This time, the crisis it is not at the hands of a few power hungry dictators calling for the destruction of the west and a return of the Imam Mahdi. Oil is once again at the center of the coming storm, but the crisis is not thousands of miles away in a desert once home to Nebuchadnezzar. This crisis in the Gulf is in our own backyard. We are not occupiers of this Gulf. This Gulf belongs to US. The challenge is not new. The challenge is always the same. Can we keep a compassionate and open heart through the shock and awe of what is to come? We ought to all work towards this common goal, first within our immediate circle and then in every possible opportunity. The awakening heart will seal up the fear and bind it for 1000 years 30,000 feet beneath the earth.

The Bigger Lesson

The bigger lesson. What if I don’t advance? Will this be a fatal blow to my dreams? I know most would tell me that it shouldn’t be. To keep on movin, don’t stop. How long can I keep myself up? I do accept whatever happens as God’s will. It is what it is. But I have to admit, I have not been focused on getting out of the competition, so I have no idea how I will feel or what I will do if I don’t advance. I will allow myself to feel. This much I know. I will look into the eyes of my children and say “Daddy went for it. He did not sit back and let an unfulfilled existence determine his emotional state.” Okay, I may not put it THAT dramatically. They will see sadness and disappointment in my eyes and I will see it in theirs. That is enough for the moment. From this present moment awareness, I will ask, what do I want now? An answer will emerge. Perhaps not right away, perhaps the next day, weeks or months later. A newly minted desire will make itself known and I will start this process all over again…as if for the very first time.

Oh NO! I Forgot to Remember!

Yes, I had a meltdown yesterday. Sometimes it's important to let the reptilian shadow side take space and let you know how it feels. I have had a pattern before relief comes, of freaking out right till the very end and then judging my lack of trust when things end up working out just fine. I have gone from telling myself "Dennis, break the pattern and find joy before you see heaven." to my new approach- "Be with what is. The next moment has no relation to this one. Freak out now, enjoy now. Judge or don't judge, regret or don't regret. It's all okay. Growth is not linear. The phrase, “If I knew then what I know now.." is an illusion. You forgot and in that moment, you could not remember. You remember now and in this moment, you cannot forget." So join me in celebrating the success of this moment. You deserve to feel good all the time.