I FEEL in this Moment!

In 12 hours I will finally know. How do I feel in this moment? Alive! I have not judged any feelings as good or bad. Today I have had knots in my stomach and a heart pounding with excitement. I have felt terrified about how I would feel the moment after and have jammed to tunes on my Ipod- Donna’s “I will Survive”, Frank’s “My Way” and MJ’s “Man in the Mirror”. I felt “on” with inspiration when coaching a friend of mine next to her two Labs.

So tomorrow, if my name is mentioned, I will be so happy I will feel like weeping. I will be so nervous I will feel like vomiting. This is living- The good, the bad and the ugly. I feel it all and it is all good. This is what I have desired more than anything- to feel alive before there was proof that I am. To believe before seeing, to enjoy longing for longing’s sake. For the first time in my life I feel…I feel…proud of myself.

Opening Night

Opening Night is just two days away. When I was an actor, I dreaded as well as looked forward to opening night. I dreaded it because rarely did we seem ready a few days before the curtains went up. There seemed to be no such thing as a smooth dress rehearsal and there was the fear that the show would be an unmitigated disaster. Yet, there was an appointed date and time for the start of the first show. We could not postpone opening night. Patrons had bought their tickets and eagerly expected us to show up. Having taken their assigned seats, it was time for us to fully feel on demand. We had to entertain, thrill and earn our applause. What were we to think when two days before the first line was delivered in front of an audience, the lights malfunctioned, the music was mis-cued, the dresses did not all fit, the rhythm and pace was all off and lines we still being adlibbed?

I looked forward to it because time and time again, a miracle would occur. Dionysus, the god of the theatre would shine down on us at just the right time and everything would fall into place. Just when it seemed like there was no hope for a stellar opening night, inspiration makes its grand entrance. The visitation brought instant exhilaration and joy to performers and observers alike.

So in just two days, the curtains will rise and 271 authors will sit in their seats to watch 25 get up and take the stage. The 271 have been rehearsing this moment for weeks. I am one of them. Today, I feel like I have had a horrid dress rehearsal. I am afraid of not being chosen to get up and take the stage. The actor’s nightmare is well-known. The actor get’s up to start a monologue in front of the audience only to go blank, forgetting what his next line is and realizes that he is naked. Can I stand naked after the 25 are announced? If I am one of the chosen few, will I fully step into the moment, and know what to say next to my fans, to the creators of the competition, to my family? If I am not one of them, can I show up naked and exposed with my true feelings revealed to those that care? Or will I start spinning as fast as I possibly can to save face, amidst feelings of failure?

I have never experienced a disastrous opening night and I am not about to start now. All I can do is wait and trust that the old Muse of Fire, Dionysus, of which Dennis is derived, will make his appearance perfectly on cue.

“O for a Muse of fire, that would ascend
The brightest heaven of invention,
A kingdom for a stage, princes to act
And monarchs to behold the swelling scene!”
-Start of the Prologue to Henry V