What Side Is My Soul On?

Ever feel conflicted? I have asked the question: What side is my soul on? Is it on the side of the man who wants to live a quiet existence, spending precious moments with family and friends that always feel safe? Or is it on the side of the man, whose time has come to go out into the world and share his message of trust with millions, facing fears of potential pariahs along the way? I don’t know the answer and so I sit with the ambiguity. If I don’t accept that at this moment in time, it is not for me to know my heart’s longing then all I seem to create is a fighter whose tired of throwing punches at nothing. My heart’s longing wants to surprise me. It is not expecting me to figure it out or to make a choice but to relax and get out of the way. So right now, it feels good to imagine a quiet life, out in the gardens of beautiful British Columbia, speaking with a pillow talking whisper to all those I come in contact with. It also feels good to visualize standing in front of my mentors and teachers accepting the award for The Next Top Spiritual Life Coach and giving the speech of my life. Stay tuned. My soul may very well have something to say in just 2 days.

To Dare or Not to Dare?

To dare or not to dare? That is my question. I have advised many in the past year that they should dare to be disappointed. What I mean is throw away the mental and emotional safety nets when reaching for the stars and allow yourself to get your hopes up, to dream big, to enjoy the longing for a more passion-filled life without needing to see any proof of its existence. Don’t be afraid of failure or rejection or that you will “jinx it” if you speak to others with excitement in your voice about your deepest desires. If you are disappointed that things did not go as planned then not only will you end up higher then where you started, you would have enjoyed the moments in between which is where the juice of life is hiding. No one can guarantee a lasting emotional state, but you can choose to enjoy every moment.

HOWEVER…

At this moment in time, 3 days before public voting ends and the fate of 271 authors in the competition is sealed, I am fighting the good fight with my own words. I want a mental safety net! What if I don’t advance? What then? Am I prepared to handle that level of rejection after so many of my friends and family are rooting for me to succeed? I am not ready to be taken out of the competition. Yet I also don’t know if I would be able to continue pursuing a career in writing after being dropped. Now I know that I am supposed to say that I will continue come what may, but I would be speaking from an uncertain place AKA lying to myself and to you if I said that.

The truth is I have no idea how I will feel in 3 days. I simply do not know. Since I don’t know, then I will continue to dream super-big. At least for now. That is all I know. That this moment I feel good about wanting to stay in the competition. The next moment is not here yet so why worry about whether it contains a mental safety net. This moment I choose to dare. That is my answer.

It All Matters!

With four days till the end of voting in Round 2 of the competition, I cannot contain my excitement or anticipation for what I will learn come next week. Am I in or out? Does it matter? Well sure it does. I don’t want this specific ride to end. I am so proud of how I have approached this competition. Every day has had successful moments. Even when I did nothing involving the competition, I know that my mind and heart were integrating and digesting life experiences that will strengthen my desire to reach millions. Yet I have stayed focused on the daily process and not the destination. How I got into the competition just seemed so synchronistically perfect. To have received an invitation to join a competition that would ultimately involve 2800 authors one week after completing a book about living my life’s purpose was incredibly timely. Do I have to win? If I win, then the answer was yes. If I don’t win, then the answer was no. I’m not trying to be cheeky as my late mother-in-law used to say. I truly believe that reality is perfect and is synonymous with God’s will. If we want to end suffering then accept God’s will. If you have no concept of God, then accept what is. Accept reality. It is our resistance to what is- what we are feeling in the moment, what we are experiencing in the moment, what we want in the moment that causes pain and suffering. Trust that if change is God’s will, you will be moved to be the catalyst for change at just the right time.

“But Dennis, wouldn’t it be better if I did not want anything?”

Relinquishing all desire is not a conscious process. We cannot force ourselves to not want anything. It is through acceptance of everything including the relationship of our current emotional state and our desire for change that leads to an energized and passion-filled life. Here is my take on the effects of Adam and Eve’s disobedience or what some call the origin of sin. When we do not honor and fully embrace who we are in the moment, then we are disobeying God. This disobedience causes the veil between heaven and earth to thicken, and the result is a sense of separation from love. The heart closes and just like Adam and Eve, when they became aware that they were naked, we become ashamed of our own truth. We hide with as many proverbial fig leaves as we can find. How do we get back to paradise? Obey God by fully accepting who we are without judgment. When we don’t accept God’s will, we suffer. When we accept God’s will, we are free.

So, is it God’s will that I win the competition? I want to believe that it is, but in the end, I will feel joyous either way. I might be sad and depressed for a while if I don’t win. If so, I will accept these feelings as God’s will. I will accept what is and what is will bring me back to love.

Compelled to follow WHAT?

I just finished tweeting! What a weird vernacular we are developing. I blogged, then tweeted after typing on a Wall? I want to create buzz about my book so I am tweeting selected lines from the text. “I am compelled to follow my heart..” To some this might seem like a no brainer. “Of course he’s compelled to follow his heart. That’s what you are supposed to do when you are a spiritual messenger.” Yet, this is the hardest thing I could possibly do. I have always been led by my head. I wanted to get a counseling degree and chose an MBA instead. Head-led decision. I went to school for acting but was better at analyzing Shakespearean verse than connecting with the feelings of a tragic character. Head-led skill. I am the one in the family that takes care of finance and budgeting , making sure all the bills are paid on time using head-ache inducing worry as my fuel while my wife patiently keeps the emotional safety zone of our home intact.

Everything changed on May 17, 2009. I felt so connected to my heart when I wrote the words that would become the title of my first book- “The Superman Effect”. I did not want to ever again make a decision without consulting my heart. I intuitively knew that this new approach would carry its share of pain. I had done such a fantastic job ignoring my inner longings and now I was compelled to follow them without reservation through the deep caverns of an unsettling past and an uncertain future. It did not take me long before realizing that I was not called to write about what I know. I was called to write about how I feel: Stuck, afraid, guilty, insecure, fake, powerless, and doubtful. Could I learn to be okay with the parts of me that vibrate at lower frequencies? Could these feelings possibly be my doorway to finding joy, trust, freedom, certainty, and authentic power? Could acknowledging these feelings to the world be the secret to my success? My head was saying “you have GOT to be kidding!” My heart was saying “you have GOT to give it a try.” It has been a year not without its share of painful experiences. What I have come to learn however, is that the pain is associated not to any icky feelings but to my judgments of any feeling as icky. The more I sat with sadness, anger, guilt, resentment, fear and insecurity without labeling them as good or bad, the greater my capacity to open my heart and let in joy. As one of my teacher’s likes to put it, “it all becomes juicy and even sadness starts to feel good.”

So this newfound compulsion to follow my heart is not a passing fad. It is now my way of life and it has served as the main catalyst to the moment when everything changes.

Things are not always as they appear.

Things are not always as they appear.

Without belief in this statement, fear would have crippled me a long time ago. Yet every day I am faced with an opportunity to put the certainty of my belief that things are not always as they appear to the test. When The Next Top Spiritual Author competition got underway, I had to face the startling realization that I had a small social network and virtually no fan base as a writer. I had elected, again because of fear of criticism and judgment, to take down the “Follower” function on Blogger.com and had told very few people I was writing until after I had resigned my position at the university. So the grim reality was that having spent years in a cocoon of my own making, I now had to go out into the world as a spiritual messenger, if I were to stand a chance at advancing in the competition. I had to call on support from people I had not spoken with in years. Some were happy to hear from me. Most completely ignored my overtures. But I kept at it. The deed was done. I had quit my job and I did not want to have a choice. I instant messaged some old friends on facebook. I called many. I emailed even more. A vast majority did not respond. Were they waiting to see if I could make a go of it without their support? Were they afraid of sticking their neck out for me, fearing that I was in for a certain flat fall on my face.?

“Things are not always as they appear.”

How do I know that people are not just too busy to stop and read my email, or that they don’t have a good reason for delaying a response. Some might be thinking, “I want to connect with Dennis, but he sent me his blog weeks ago and I haven’t gotten to it. What would he think of ME?” The mind plays some funny games and so I rested in the knowledge that things are not always as they appear. It’s not all about me.

I was relentless in my outreach and then a funny thing started to happen. I was making real connections! It started to feel so good to reconnect with those that responded. Well that part felt great, and yet..I only had about 30 or so facebook fans after 2 weeks of pounding the pavement. Every other poster that I put up at a coffee shop was taken down within a week. I averaged less than five responses to my marketing emails about the competition. Was I falling flat on my face?

“Things are not always as they appear.”

After four weeks in the competition, an announcement was made about who were the top 150 vote getters out of 2800 authors. I was on the list! “How could that be? I thought my efforts were yielding little results.” I made it to the second round and evidence of a successful run at advancing began to emerge. I stand here today, only 6 days before I find out whether I am one of 25 authors to advance, with complete satisfaction. Not because of my chances of winning this thing, but because of how I have conducted myself throughout the process. I have faced an incessant, doubt-ridden reality and trusted in a greater order behind the veil. I have set aside rejection and disappointment masquerading as truth and kept at it until the real truth replaces its worthy opponent called appearance.

“We live in illusion and the appearance of things. There is a reality. We are that reality. When you understand this, you see that you are nothing, and being nothing, you are everything. That is all”- Kalu Rinpoche

Certainty

About a month ago, I dreamt that I was flying. Not my typical hovering maneuver where I am not able to get more than six inches off the ground but full on soaring- high above the trees. I asked the question to myself: “How am I able to do this?

The answer: “Because you are certain that you can.”

I then thought to myself: “I am certain I can go higher.” And I did!

This dream taught me that energy flows in the direction of certainty. If you want to manifest anything in your life, be certain that it is what you want, that it is not only possible, but probable and that you deserve receiving it. Have no worry or doubt. Feel good about the desire as if you have already received it and it will be manifested. Certainty that my life as an author and intuitive life coach is the right one grows stronger with each passing day. Am I suggesting that we should ignore our doubts and fears, replacing them with an “I know I can!” mantra? Absolutely not. I have had doubts and fears about leaving a 9-5 work existence for over 10 years and my path was to acknowledge these feelings and try to uncover what is motivating them. What I am suggesting is to hold the vision and intention for however long it takes, of a time where doubt ceases to exist. Never give up this vision and one day, you will catch up with it. I am certain of it.

Happy Children's Day!

Today is Father’s Day. My six year old daughter ponders: “There is Mother’s Day and there is Father’s Day. Why isn’t there such a thing as Children’s Day?” I’m stumped. I honestly don’t know why.

“Do you want to pick a day of the year for Children’s Day and we can get it started?” “
Not right now."

“Okay.”

We forget that a child’s challenges are just as hard as that of a parent. Children do not have a developed ego or past references to attempt to make sense of their experiences. Parents have too many references, many of which are from past experiences in childhood with immature conclusion drawn then that are still affecting us now.

As a parent, I have the three and six year old version of me ever present. Sometimes that’s a good thing. I see the tantrum and am able to witness them without unhealthy interference because I remember vividly my own. But when feelings come up that seem to not make much rational sense, I can’t help but blame my oppressive upbringing. I have discovered that there is another way to work on our feelings. This way is found not in past memories but in present awareness. After listening to an audio from last year’s Next Top Life Coach, I was moved to sign up right away for his home study program and for private mentoring. Why? Because his message was clear and simple:

“Connect with what you are in feeling in the moment. Out of this feeling, what is it that you want to feel better? From this better feeling state, is there an action that you are inspired to take?”

No lengthy pscho-analysis. No judgment of feelings being good or bad. Just feel and witness the divine therapist go to work. After a few weeks in the course, I quickly realized that this work was the most important game in town. I want to feel the juice of life. I want to experience freedom that is not tied to doing anything but is realized as our baseline nature. I want to open my heart more and more and feel safe to do so anywhere. I don’t want to shut down when uncomfortable feelings surface but embrace the struggle as my present vehicle for transformation. I also see it as an important component to my Intuitive life coaching business. I see my business as a blend of peak performance coaching, intuitive counseling and heart centered exploration. More importantly, I feel the desire to be real and authentic even though most of my thoughts and actions betray this longing.